Relevant Update! Sorta!

I haven't forgotten about this blog, I just haven't sorted out burning any new records in about, to use the most obvious metric, 30 fortnights.
I do, however, keep myself occupied with complete noneless still—and this time, it can be worn.

Come on over and check out the site I've made for my little side projects, especially if you enjoy Holiday shopping to some sweet tunes (hit the little cassette, you'll see).

Thanks all,
-Doug
www.gearcrisis.com

The Damned

"Smash It Up" / "Burglar" [Chiswick, 1979]

I’m afraid a great sadness—in the form of epic hardware failure—has come over the shire, and by "shire", I really mean Thunderdome, and by Thunderdome, I really mean "I need to do laundry don't come in here". I’ll be back if I can get this piece of shit I’ve been burning my records into for four years going again (unlikely), or buy a new computer (more likely). Until then, I’ll be sitting in a dark room, bathed in a sea of Windows-failure blue, crying. But not for the reason I’m usually in front of my computer crying, pants-less, and covered in Old Granddad.

Hit play for the last two mp3’s to escape the maw of my spiteful home computer which will now be sacrificed with a sledgehammer and its remains offered to my Roomba, “Sweepy” (I know!).

"Smash It Up"

"Burglar"

The Boys

“Weekend” / “Cool” [Safari, 1980]

I’m assuming the runner-up consideration for their sleeve art included a rebus depicting a scrawny man failing to left a 10lb dumb bell, then a plus sign, then a picture of the Earth on fire with the word Ragnarok across it; and on the B side, a picture of an anthropomorphic ice cube, wearing sunglasses, “chilling” (I could do this all day) poolside, and drinking from a coconut.

Hit play, and if your art department learns to stop being so literal, I’ll learn to go easy on the commas.

"Weekend"

"Cool"

Nick Lowe

“So It Goes” / “So It Goes” [Columbia, 1976]

It’s like those text messages you won’t delete from your phone. They say “I can’t wait to see you!” or “I miss you” or “I love you”. You keep them there to look at once in a while, they remind you that someone once, well, that things can be good, and maybe, they will be again. Besides, are you listening to this song? For the next 2 minutes, 29 seconds, things are pretty alright.

Now put this in your headphones, hit play, head on down to FoodsCo and start cruising for babes. Hey sweet thing, that debit or EBT? Not to be up in your business, but daddy’s fixin’ to get his credit score above 720.

"So It Goes"

Headache

“Can’t Stand Still” / “No Reason for Your Call” [Lout Records, 1977]

I can only assume by the state of this sleeve that the guitarist has journeyed into the past and was unsuccessful in uniting his bandmate’s parents. Either that, or I’ve got better things to spend my money on (booze, Fun Dip, mostly) than 45’s with mint condition sleeves. You’re right, it’s both.

Hit play to hear the songs, and marvel in the diversity between the A and B sides. Is that even the same band?

“Can’t Stand Still"

“No Reason for Your Call”

The Teens

“Give Me More” / “Twist is Back Again” [Hansa, 1979]

It’s hard to find much information on these West Berlin, Bay City Rollers-obsessed teens, but if my interpretation of their badly translated German Wikipedia page tells my anything, these guys were high school buddies that’d later be exploited by their label in an attempt to turn them into a sort of German Menudo-type group. Incidentally, I’d never follow a link titled “German Menudo” for fear of my retinas being permanently scared, sexually.

Speaking of burnouts, any of you spend as much time trolling Detroit-area auto ads for wheels as I do? Sure, it'd be a long haul across the country just for some new wheels, but ummmm Smokey and the Bandit, HELLOOOO. Oh, and you don’t really find the good stuff unless you spell “camero” [sic… totally] wrong. For example:

"CAR IS WICKED FAST!!!!!!!!!!! Flex-a-lite fan gear to gear timeing gears SOUNDS KOOL WINES LIKE ITS GOT A BLOWER! LOL"
http://detroit.craigslist.org/cto/1167287217.html

I'm not really sure what model is shown in the pic, but I’m extremely interested
http://detroit.craigslist.org/cto/1164598459.html

And predictably...

"THE CITY IS ON MY ASS"
http://detroit.craigslist.org/cto/1168389705.html

Hit play for the tunes, and can someone loan me $3,000 and the number of a guy that can airbrush a good Bea Arthur likeness? It’s time she gets the tribute she deserves. That Golden Girls Econoline that parks on my block doesn’t quite capture the esprit de corp those ladies really had with each other/cheesecake.

"Give Me More"

Apropos of having a sweet place to stay in Brooklyn, I'd like to thank Josh finding this first in a Dutch record store, which I think we all know is really code for "coffee shop".

The Victims

“Television Addict” / “I’m Flipped Out Over You” [bootleg copy… duh, 1977]

Wonder Woman, Three’s Company, Charlie’s Angels, One Day at a Time, AND Little House on the Prairie? Sounds like concerns over the ’77 TV lineup had less to do with “television addiction” (not recognized by experts at TV Guide as a medical disorder) and more to do with chronic mast… er, taking time away from family and homework. I don’t even know if they had those shows in Perth, but I really hope they had something better to battler their bikkies to than The Curiosity Show (not what it sounds like) and Simon Townsend's Wonder World (exactly what it sounds like).

Hit play for the tunes below, and start thinking of contigency plans for the next time there's a more than two hour gap between Law & Order epidsodes.

"Television Addict"


"I'm Flipped Out Over You"

Richmond

“Peaches (What’s It All About?)” / “Work for My Baby” [Dart, 1974]





What’re two 20-something Battersea vocational school teachers to do to find success (babes) but have a reverb-swathed go at the UK rock charts? More power to’em, Lord knows England still probably had a healthy appetite for this sort of stuff in 1974, and Lord knows my side projects don’t go anywhere.

Which reminds me: If I were to acquire a cat and start producing my own hilarious (and adorable, probably thee most adorable) cat videos, how would I go about making money from it? The only compensation for the millions of YouTube hits I’ll get will probably just be in the form of kudos, and kudos don't buy Professor Featherbottom cat food and tiny sunglasses, nor do they buy his owner bourbon, to drink, in his new house, which he bought with the money that rolled in after the world got a glimpse of “kitty keytarsonist”. Dreams, lets make this happen.

By the way, how much for one of those Japanese cats? Those always seem to be the funniest. Tunsis, I’m glad you couldn’t be here today to see this, and Keyboard Cat, consider yourself ripped-off.

Now hit play, and kitty, don't just jump out of the cardboard box when the baby runs by, really go for it. Remember, you HATE the baby. Got it?

"Peaches (What's It All About?)"


"Work For My Baby"

(P.S. I've got to give a nod to Robin's Purepop blog for turning me on to this 45, so head on over there and dig through the archives if you actually want some info. Not that what I wrote isn't 100% true, it always is.)

Todd Rundgren

"Couldn't I Just Tell You" / "Wolfman Jack" [Bearsville, 1972]

Hello it’s me. I know I made you wait a long, long time to hear this, but… I’m not really your father. That guy that looks like a coked-up Tyranosaurus Rex in a woman’s robe is, biologically. Yeah, him. Still, I think I’ve done a good job raising you so far. Who knows, one day you might help save the Shire from the clutches of darkness, or Alicia Silverstone from a pantless farmer? Love, Todd.

Hit play, and tell Tyler I’m still not giving him a production credit.

"Couldn't I just Tell You"

"Wolman Jack"

The Lurkers

“New Guitar in Town” / “Little Ol' Wine Drinker Me” [Beggars Banquet, 1979]

This song could totally be about my life. Not so much the part about playing shows, or making girls cry, or being cool, but the part where the guitar is all “der ner ner der ner ner ner ner ner”, that part, that might as well be written about me. It’s uncanny.

Now hit play, or don’t, I make that sound by just walking anyhow.

"New Guitar in Town"

The Quick

“Rag Doll” / “Last in Line” [Mercury, 1977]

Making the video to “Ragdoll” is gonna be easy. It’s just gonna be a still shot of Bebe Buell, taken in 1980, wearing a Creem Magazine t-shirt. It doesn’t sound like much, but if you’re anything like me—and you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t—you’ll find it works perfectly in concept, and execution. Hey, hands where I can see’em.

The video for “Last in Line” is on hold, apparently, until I can come up with a deposit for an actual juggling bear. I know, I thought about just giving a normal bear a fish to play with then doing all the balls and juggling motion is post, but people can tell. I can tell.

Now hit play and imagine a world where hotlinking to other peoples sites with old Bebe Buell photos on them wasn’t frowned upon (by jerks).

"Rag Doll"


"Last in Line"

Taxi Boys

“I Can't kick, “Down to You” / “Up is Up”, “Some Love Like Yours” [star rythm records, 1981]



Close you eyes and picture your ex-girlfriend, the one you’ll never get over, with her new boyfriend. Picture her doing all those boyfriend-and-girlfriend things you guys used to do, but not with you—with him. Now, picture yourself riding a tyrannosaurus rex... through Downtown Awesome. It’s how you get to work everyday, to your job at the THRILL FACTORY. Still picturing it? Now, what ex-girlfriend? Um, no, I didn’t just put all your French fries on my plate. Why would I do that? Look at how many I already have.

Hit play for the tunes, and keep’em shut, I’ve got to find some ketchup.

“Some Love Like Yours”


“Down to You”

The Vibrators

"Baby Baby" / "Into the Future" [Epic, 1977]

Attention teenage Ne're-do-wells of the Gas N Sip parking lot: Before taking any of his advice, be advised that if Lloyd Dobler had half a brain, he would’ve been serenading Diane’s bedroom window with this A-side. If, God forbid, you’re going to go all Peter Gabriel in someone’s front yard, consider hoisting a TV above your head and showing the video to either “Big Time” or “Sledgehammer”, instead. Not only are those videos awesome, and goddamn, you can hold a TV above your head, but you’ve also got an AC hookup in your Malibu [deal clincher!].

Hit play, and stop confusing Westlake Mall for Bellevue Square.

"Baby Baby"


"Into the Future"

Messengers

“That’s the Way a Woman Is” / “In the Jungle” [Rare Earth, 1971]

I’ve never seen Otsuka Pharmaceutical's 2005 commercial for their "Amino Supli” sports drink that they dusted this song off for, but I can pretty much guarantee is goes like this: Quick cuts of athletes or business people or chubby cats chugging various flavors of the drink during the “ah, ah ah, ahhh ah ah ah” part of the song, looking re-energized and refreshed. Then, when the song gets to “you wanna be mine”, roving bands of robot centuries appear, scanning for human survivors to either enslave or harvest (depending on their blood type - they’re obsessed with that over there), who’ve been surviving since The Great Overthrow on surplus Pocari Sweat, CalorieMate, and Abilify. It’s tough times everywhere, you’ve got to plug all your products. Seriously, those are all made by the same people.

By the last verse of the re-edited-for-the-30-second-spot song, in a sort of Harrisson-meets-Orwell twist, we see Tokyo’s last remaining free humans riding a conveyor belt into a tunnel with something written in Japanese above it. They are then injected with either orange, grapefruit, green tea or shrimp flavoring; liquefied, bottled, and consumed by Tokyo’s robot overlords [shown doing "human" activities like grocery shopping, working at desk jobs, smoking cigarettes, and drinking Amino Supli then mugging to the camera and stating "re-fresh-ing" in a Vocoder-drenched voice]—which, by my account, is a happy ending. The human race parishes, but I’m always relieved to see something produced in Japan where someone ISN'T raped by a cartoon octopus.

Hit play for the tunes below, and no master, these aren’t dryer vents I spray painted silver, these are my actual robot arms. Beep beep boob bop all hail Aibo. Am I right?

"That's the Way a Woman Is"

The Boys

"First Time" / "Watcha Gonna Do", "Turning Grey" [NEMS, 1977]


I remember it vividly: We’re 15 years old, and she has a couch in the basement. Her mom’s at work, and her brother, who’s usually home after school, is gone for the day. It’s just us, our teenage libidos, and HOLY SHIT YOU’VE GOT METROID FOR YOUR NES?!

I’ll be damned if we didn’t break that Power Pad. Does Samus look like she’s gaining weight to you? Oh shit. Hit play, below, for the tunes, and what’s the cheat again for it’s not mine?

"First Time"


"Turning Grey"

Suzi Quatro

"Glycerine Queen" / "All Shook Up" [Bell, 1974]

Late one stormy night while digging around in a friend’s attic, I found this gem of a 45 buried amongst discarded lamps and chairs, antique paintings of old ships, a static electricity ball, and a map that supposedly leads to One-Eyed Willie’s legendary record collection. One-Eyed Willie, for those that don’t know, was the most prolific record collector that Astoria, Oregon has ever known. Sure, this record’s a little beat up, but if what the map tells me is true, underneath the hideout of an evil family of escaped convicts lies One-Eyed Willie’s legendary lost 45 collection. I can imagine the adventure I might have as me and my rag-tag gang of friends out-wit Mama Derringer’s goons, befriend her giant, deformed, candy-loving son Rick, and discover the basement where One-Eyed Willie died the lonely death of any true collector, still clutching a photo of the girl that let him feel her up in high school.

Whatever, I probably won’t bother since I got this new 45 to go home and listen to. I don’t even know what kind of shit that dude was into. Now hit play below, and be sure and do a good job gluing the penis back onto that statue.

"Glycerine Queen"

Heavy Metal Kids

“She’s No Angel” / “Hey Little Girl” [RAK, 1976]

Portland, OR middle school. “Ms. [redacted], what’s on your iPod?” [student thumbs through band names until one catches his eye. Listens.] “These guys aren’t heavy metal.” That’s right, it was a between-class POP QUIZ you little fucker, and guess what? You passed! Ms. [redacted] is just looking out for your future. Too bad she isn’t accepting “I dunno” as an answer to Yeah, but how rad are these guys? on the bonus question (would have accept “pretty rad”, “totally rad”, or a decent rendition of either Beavis' or Butthead's trademarked dance.) Ah well, you’ll do just fine still, just promise you won’t ditch your group to play keyboard for U.F.O. like theirs did.

Hit play below then go ask that girl to the dance - braces means her parents have money.

"She's No Angel"

The Jags

“Back Of My Hand” / “Double Vision” [Island, 1979]

Remember how I thought that Shari’s down off 405 in my hometown was a Denny’s, and how I always confused the dad from Empty Nest (and also Soap!) with the eagle from the Muppet Show? (hint: Richard Mulligan was white) Well, it shouldn’t come as any surprise that, at one time, this song was incorrectly filed in my brain as Elvis Costello. Whoops. Can you blame me though? You can? Is that what that smirk means? Take it easy on me, I just realized I’m not getting a Stuffed Hashbrown Platter outside the Northwest, that Sam the Eagle probably never lectured Kristy McNichol backstage, from his giant blue perch, about her cocaine use as I’d imagined he would have, and that no one knows what the hell I’m talking about.

But you know. You always do. That’s why you’re going to hit play, below. If you’re curious about the b-side, don’t be.

"Back of My Hand"

Stiv Bators

“Not That Way Anymore” / “Circumstantial Evidence” [Bomp!, 1980]


If you were to draw a line on a map, starting in Cleveland, Ohio, then northwest to Minneapolis, southwest to Omaha, up again to Bozeman, Montana, then all the way west to Los Angeles and finally, closing the loop with a point in Austin - not only would you loosely trace the Dead Boys disastrous first attempt at a US tour, it would make the shape of a heart - that could be seen from space, causing the crew of the International Space Station to make international space babies. Or just give each other hj’s. Ahhh, sweet, sweet влюбленность. That’s not gross, that’s the power of viewing giant hearts in zero gravity. Or, with a few extra stops in Tulsa and Jefferson City, a giant pirate skull. But let’s go with the heart shape for now, because there’s nothing to do in Jefferson City, and it’s a fitting icon for the pop transformation Stiv Bators would go through in his post-Dead Boys (yes!), pre-Lords of the New Church (meh) days.

While further facts of space intercourse will have to remain a secret for the time being (if you’re really curious, the elevator in my building goes up to 19! That should be enough time, right?), there’s a million fun facts I could share about this 45. For example, the other dude on there played in early 70’s powerpop’ers Blue Ash. And, did you know this was the best 45 of all time? It’s true… Oh shit, is that security? Grab my pants. Meet me back on 19 tomorrow? Quick, hit play for the tunes below and take it from Stiv, should you ever be run over by a car in Paris, please don’t simply try to “walk it off”, seek medical attention.

"Not That Way Anymore"


"Circumstantial Evidence"

Hammersmith Gorillas

“You Really Got Me” / “Leavin’ Ome” [Raw, 1974]



Do you know what I’m holding in my hand? Never you mind that, my other hand. It’s a trophy from the North American High Kick championship… for SECOND PLACE. I know what you’re thinking, “second place? That doesn’t sound like you!” No kidding, but that won’t be happening again, because this year, they’re putting 5% more Lycra into denim, and I’m putting 100% more ass-kicking on the turntable.

What the legendary Jesse Hector and gang did with “You Really Got Me” a good four years before Van Halen gave it the exact same send-up is all well and good, but the b-side is where I really start clearing the cobwebs from my ceiling fan… WITH MY FOOT. So start with a few Dandayamana Dhanurasana's, hit play below, and make sure there’s nothing breakable in the room. See you on the podium.

"Leavin' Ome"