The Quick

“Rag Doll” / “Last in Line” [Mercury, 1977]

Making the video to “Ragdoll” is gonna be easy. It’s just gonna be a still shot of Bebe Buell, taken in 1980, wearing a Creem Magazine t-shirt. It doesn’t sound like much, but if you’re anything like me—and you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t—you’ll find it works perfectly in concept, and execution. Hey, hands where I can see’em.

The video for “Last in Line” is on hold, apparently, until I can come up with a deposit for an actual juggling bear. I know, I thought about just giving a normal bear a fish to play with then doing all the balls and juggling motion is post, but people can tell. I can tell.

Now hit play and imagine a world where hotlinking to other peoples sites with old Bebe Buell photos on them wasn’t frowned upon (by jerks).

"Rag Doll"


"Last in Line"

Taxi Boys

“I Can't kick, “Down to You” / “Up is Up”, “Some Love Like Yours” [star rythm records, 1981]



Close you eyes and picture your ex-girlfriend, the one you’ll never get over, with her new boyfriend. Picture her doing all those boyfriend-and-girlfriend things you guys used to do, but not with you—with him. Now, picture yourself riding a tyrannosaurus rex... through Downtown Awesome. It’s how you get to work everyday, to your job at the THRILL FACTORY. Still picturing it? Now, what ex-girlfriend? Um, no, I didn’t just put all your French fries on my plate. Why would I do that? Look at how many I already have.

Hit play for the tunes, and keep’em shut, I’ve got to find some ketchup.

“Some Love Like Yours”


“Down to You”

The Vibrators

"Baby Baby" / "Into the Future" [Epic, 1977]

Attention teenage Ne're-do-wells of the Gas N Sip parking lot: Before taking any of his advice, be advised that if Lloyd Dobler had half a brain, he would’ve been serenading Diane’s bedroom window with this A-side. If, God forbid, you’re going to go all Peter Gabriel in someone’s front yard, consider hoisting a TV above your head and showing the video to either “Big Time” or “Sledgehammer”, instead. Not only are those videos awesome, and goddamn, you can hold a TV above your head, but you’ve also got an AC hookup in your Malibu [deal clincher!].

Hit play, and stop confusing Westlake Mall for Bellevue Square.

"Baby Baby"


"Into the Future"

Messengers

“That’s the Way a Woman Is” / “In the Jungle” [Rare Earth, 1971]

I’ve never seen Otsuka Pharmaceutical's 2005 commercial for their "Amino Supli” sports drink that they dusted this song off for, but I can pretty much guarantee is goes like this: Quick cuts of athletes or business people or chubby cats chugging various flavors of the drink during the “ah, ah ah, ahhh ah ah ah” part of the song, looking re-energized and refreshed. Then, when the song gets to “you wanna be mine”, roving bands of robot centuries appear, scanning for human survivors to either enslave or harvest (depending on their blood type - they’re obsessed with that over there), who’ve been surviving since The Great Overthrow on surplus Pocari Sweat, CalorieMate, and Abilify. It’s tough times everywhere, you’ve got to plug all your products. Seriously, those are all made by the same people.

By the last verse of the re-edited-for-the-30-second-spot song, in a sort of Harrisson-meets-Orwell twist, we see Tokyo’s last remaining free humans riding a conveyor belt into a tunnel with something written in Japanese above it. They are then injected with either orange, grapefruit, green tea or shrimp flavoring; liquefied, bottled, and consumed by Tokyo’s robot overlords [shown doing "human" activities like grocery shopping, working at desk jobs, smoking cigarettes, and drinking Amino Supli then mugging to the camera and stating "re-fresh-ing" in a Vocoder-drenched voice]—which, by my account, is a happy ending. The human race parishes, but I’m always relieved to see something produced in Japan where someone ISN'T raped by a cartoon octopus.

Hit play for the tunes below, and no master, these aren’t dryer vents I spray painted silver, these are my actual robot arms. Beep beep boob bop all hail Aibo. Am I right?

"That's the Way a Woman Is"

The Boys

"First Time" / "Watcha Gonna Do", "Turning Grey" [NEMS, 1977]


I remember it vividly: We’re 15 years old, and she has a couch in the basement. Her mom’s at work, and her brother, who’s usually home after school, is gone for the day. It’s just us, our teenage libidos, and HOLY SHIT YOU’VE GOT METROID FOR YOUR NES?!

I’ll be damned if we didn’t break that Power Pad. Does Samus look like she’s gaining weight to you? Oh shit. Hit play, below, for the tunes, and what’s the cheat again for it’s not mine?

"First Time"


"Turning Grey"

Suzi Quatro

"Glycerine Queen" / "All Shook Up" [Bell, 1974]

Late one stormy night while digging around in a friend’s attic, I found this gem of a 45 buried amongst discarded lamps and chairs, antique paintings of old ships, a static electricity ball, and a map that supposedly leads to One-Eyed Willie’s legendary record collection. One-Eyed Willie, for those that don’t know, was the most prolific record collector that Astoria, Oregon has ever known. Sure, this record’s a little beat up, but if what the map tells me is true, underneath the hideout of an evil family of escaped convicts lies One-Eyed Willie’s legendary lost 45 collection. I can imagine the adventure I might have as me and my rag-tag gang of friends out-wit Mama Derringer’s goons, befriend her giant, deformed, candy-loving son Rick, and discover the basement where One-Eyed Willie died the lonely death of any true collector, still clutching a photo of the girl that let him feel her up in high school.

Whatever, I probably won’t bother since I got this new 45 to go home and listen to. I don’t even know what kind of shit that dude was into. Now hit play below, and be sure and do a good job gluing the penis back onto that statue.

"Glycerine Queen"

Heavy Metal Kids

“She’s No Angel” / “Hey Little Girl” [RAK, 1976]

Portland, OR middle school. “Ms. [redacted], what’s on your iPod?” [student thumbs through band names until one catches his eye. Listens.] “These guys aren’t heavy metal.” That’s right, it was a between-class POP QUIZ you little fucker, and guess what? You passed! Ms. [redacted] is just looking out for your future. Too bad she isn’t accepting “I dunno” as an answer to Yeah, but how rad are these guys? on the bonus question (would have accept “pretty rad”, “totally rad”, or a decent rendition of either Beavis' or Butthead's trademarked dance.) Ah well, you’ll do just fine still, just promise you won’t ditch your group to play keyboard for U.F.O. like theirs did.

Hit play below then go ask that girl to the dance - braces means her parents have money.

"She's No Angel"

The Jags

“Back Of My Hand” / “Double Vision” [Island, 1979]

Remember how I thought that Shari’s down off 405 in my hometown was a Denny’s, and how I always confused the dad from Empty Nest (and also Soap!) with the eagle from the Muppet Show? (hint: Richard Mulligan was white) Well, it shouldn’t come as any surprise that, at one time, this song was incorrectly filed in my brain as Elvis Costello. Whoops. Can you blame me though? You can? Is that what that smirk means? Take it easy on me, I just realized I’m not getting a Stuffed Hashbrown Platter outside the Northwest, that Sam the Eagle probably never lectured Kristy McNichol backstage, from his giant blue perch, about her cocaine use as I’d imagined he would have, and that no one knows what the hell I’m talking about.

But you know. You always do. That’s why you’re going to hit play, below. If you’re curious about the b-side, don’t be.

"Back of My Hand"

Stiv Bators

“Not That Way Anymore” / “Circumstantial Evidence” [Bomp!, 1980]


If you were to draw a line on a map, starting in Cleveland, Ohio, then northwest to Minneapolis, southwest to Omaha, up again to Bozeman, Montana, then all the way west to Los Angeles and finally, closing the loop with a point in Austin - not only would you loosely trace the Dead Boys disastrous first attempt at a US tour, it would make the shape of a heart - that could be seen from space, causing the crew of the International Space Station to make international space babies. Or just give each other hj’s. Ahhh, sweet, sweet влюбленность. That’s not gross, that’s the power of viewing giant hearts in zero gravity. Or, with a few extra stops in Tulsa and Jefferson City, a giant pirate skull. But let’s go with the heart shape for now, because there’s nothing to do in Jefferson City, and it’s a fitting icon for the pop transformation Stiv Bators would go through in his post-Dead Boys (yes!), pre-Lords of the New Church (meh) days.

While further facts of space intercourse will have to remain a secret for the time being (if you’re really curious, the elevator in my building goes up to 19! That should be enough time, right?), there’s a million fun facts I could share about this 45. For example, the other dude on there played in early 70’s powerpop’ers Blue Ash. And, did you know this was the best 45 of all time? It’s true… Oh shit, is that security? Grab my pants. Meet me back on 19 tomorrow? Quick, hit play for the tunes below and take it from Stiv, should you ever be run over by a car in Paris, please don’t simply try to “walk it off”, seek medical attention.

"Not That Way Anymore"


"Circumstantial Evidence"

Hammersmith Gorillas

“You Really Got Me” / “Leavin’ Ome” [Raw, 1974]



Do you know what I’m holding in my hand? Never you mind that, my other hand. It’s a trophy from the North American High Kick championship… for SECOND PLACE. I know what you’re thinking, “second place? That doesn’t sound like you!” No kidding, but that won’t be happening again, because this year, they’re putting 5% more Lycra into denim, and I’m putting 100% more ass-kicking on the turntable.

What the legendary Jesse Hector and gang did with “You Really Got Me” a good four years before Van Halen gave it the exact same send-up is all well and good, but the b-side is where I really start clearing the cobwebs from my ceiling fan… WITH MY FOOT. So start with a few Dandayamana Dhanurasana's, hit play below, and make sure there’s nothing breakable in the room. See you on the podium.

"Leavin' Ome"