The Lurkers

“New Guitar in Town” / “Little Ol' Wine Drinker Me” [Beggars Banquet, 1979]

This song could totally be about my life. Not so much the part about playing shows, or making girls cry, or being cool, but the part where the guitar is all “der ner ner der ner ner ner ner ner”, that part, that might as well be written about me. It’s uncanny.

Now hit play, or don’t, I make that sound by just walking anyhow.

"New Guitar in Town"

The Quick

“Rag Doll” / “Last in Line” [Mercury, 1977]

Making the video to “Ragdoll” is gonna be easy. It’s just gonna be a still shot of Bebe Buell, taken in 1980, wearing a Creem Magazine t-shirt. It doesn’t sound like much, but if you’re anything like me—and you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t—you’ll find it works perfectly in concept, and execution. Hey, hands where I can see’em.

The video for “Last in Line” is on hold, apparently, until I can come up with a deposit for an actual juggling bear. I know, I thought about just giving a normal bear a fish to play with then doing all the balls and juggling motion is post, but people can tell. I can tell.

Now hit play and imagine a world where hotlinking to other peoples sites with old Bebe Buell photos on them wasn’t frowned upon (by jerks).

"Rag Doll"


"Last in Line"

Taxi Boys

“I Can't kick, “Down to You” / “Up is Up”, “Some Love Like Yours” [star rythm records, 1981]



Close you eyes and picture your ex-girlfriend, the one you’ll never get over, with her new boyfriend. Picture her doing all those boyfriend-and-girlfriend things you guys used to do, but not with you—with him. Now, picture yourself riding a tyrannosaurus rex... through Downtown Awesome. It’s how you get to work everyday, to your job at the THRILL FACTORY. Still picturing it? Now, what ex-girlfriend? Um, no, I didn’t just put all your French fries on my plate. Why would I do that? Look at how many I already have.

Hit play for the tunes, and keep’em shut, I’ve got to find some ketchup.

“Some Love Like Yours”


“Down to You”

The Vibrators

"Baby Baby" / "Into the Future" [Epic, 1977]

Attention teenage Ne're-do-wells of the Gas N Sip parking lot: Before taking any of his advice, be advised that if Lloyd Dobler had half a brain, he would’ve been serenading Diane’s bedroom window with this A-side. If, God forbid, you’re going to go all Peter Gabriel in someone’s front yard, consider hoisting a TV above your head and showing the video to either “Big Time” or “Sledgehammer”, instead. Not only are those videos awesome, and goddamn, you can hold a TV above your head, but you’ve also got an AC hookup in your Malibu [deal clincher!].

Hit play, and stop confusing Westlake Mall for Bellevue Square.

"Baby Baby"


"Into the Future"

Messengers

“That’s the Way a Woman Is” / “In the Jungle” [Rare Earth, 1971]

I’ve never seen Otsuka Pharmaceutical's 2005 commercial for their "Amino Supli” sports drink that they dusted this song off for, but I can pretty much guarantee is goes like this: Quick cuts of athletes or business people or chubby cats chugging various flavors of the drink during the “ah, ah ah, ahhh ah ah ah” part of the song, looking re-energized and refreshed. Then, when the song gets to “you wanna be mine”, roving bands of robot centuries appear, scanning for human survivors to either enslave or harvest (depending on their blood type - they’re obsessed with that over there), who’ve been surviving since The Great Overthrow on surplus Pocari Sweat, CalorieMate, and Abilify. It’s tough times everywhere, you’ve got to plug all your products. Seriously, those are all made by the same people.

By the last verse of the re-edited-for-the-30-second-spot song, in a sort of Harrisson-meets-Orwell twist, we see Tokyo’s last remaining free humans riding a conveyor belt into a tunnel with something written in Japanese above it. They are then injected with either orange, grapefruit, green tea or shrimp flavoring; liquefied, bottled, and consumed by Tokyo’s robot overlords [shown doing "human" activities like grocery shopping, working at desk jobs, smoking cigarettes, and drinking Amino Supli then mugging to the camera and stating "re-fresh-ing" in a Vocoder-drenched voice]—which, by my account, is a happy ending. The human race parishes, but I’m always relieved to see something produced in Japan where someone ISN'T raped by a cartoon octopus.

Hit play for the tunes below, and no master, these aren’t dryer vents I spray painted silver, these are my actual robot arms. Beep beep boob bop all hail Aibo. Am I right?

"That's the Way a Woman Is"

The Boys

"First Time" / "Watcha Gonna Do", "Turning Grey" [NEMS, 1977]


I remember it vividly: We’re 15 years old, and she has a couch in the basement. Her mom’s at work, and her brother, who’s usually home after school, is gone for the day. It’s just us, our teenage libidos, and HOLY SHIT YOU’VE GOT METROID FOR YOUR NES?!

I’ll be damned if we didn’t break that Power Pad. Does Samus look like she’s gaining weight to you? Oh shit. Hit play, below, for the tunes, and what’s the cheat again for it’s not mine?

"First Time"


"Turning Grey"